Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
