my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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