god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
