you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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