I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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