im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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