I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
