I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
