I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
