The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
