When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So much rum. So many feels.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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