the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
