I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
