Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
