you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
