he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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