It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
