Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
