This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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