WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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