if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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