Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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