you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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