I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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