can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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