your parents love me but you hate me
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
