I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
