I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
