I faked an abortion last night.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
