he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
