then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
