I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
