The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
