I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
