just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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