I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
