Jerry, you need to find god
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
