remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it