I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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