i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
