this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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