Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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