you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
