I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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