I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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