You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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