yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
