Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We talked him into tasing himself.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
