My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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