HIV tests are more positive than that guy
That's intense
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
