hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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