Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
