im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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