Plan B is the new Plan A
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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