Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
