Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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