Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
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Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
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my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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