They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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