That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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